Jimmy Carr and the crap television schedules over the holidays

There was not a single thing over the Christmas and New Year holiday period worth the electricity required to operate my television set. Nothing! Not a decent film, drama nor even a comedy which hasn't been aired already a thousand times.

Let's remind ourselves of the full horror of Christmas Day:
Ok I understand that the early part of the day is for kids so we can write that off and as I know nothing about kids likes and dislikes I shall refrain from commenting, save to ask; where was the afternoon film? Wasn't there at one time a sort of traditional Bond film or even the old Great Escape? This year - nothing! Oh no wait, at 3.10pm Film 4 had The Lavender Hill Mob. Very good in it's day and I've been laughing at it for aaaaah let's see, maybe 20 of the 60 years since it's release.
On to the evening then:
BBC1
The Strictly Christmas Special: Well of course I like Strictly for reasons which have no place here, but the special isn't even a watery shadow of the real series. I watched it but in the words of somebody or other, I didn't inhale.
Call The Midwife: Far too soppy for me and I don't like Miranda Hart in anything at all. I don't watch anything which is ever described as heart warming.
Eastenders: Least said.........
The Royle Family: I've never understood this at all. It's whiney and scruffy.
The Vicar Of Dibley: Much too twee. And I'm no fan of Dawn French. A repeat from 1999!!!!!
Have I Got News for You: An extended edition from the Friday before. Saw it last Friday. Harry Potter was the host - says it all really.
At half past midnight - Cold Mountain: Some kind of romantic drama. Too late and I'm not in the mood for anything romantic or dramatic by then.
BBC2
An Arena doc. I often enjoy Arena documentaries but not ones about Sister bloody Wendy and not on Christmas Day for god's sake!!!!!!
50 Years Of Bond Cars: A repeat which I saw the first time and I'm not that keen on Richard Hammond anyway. He's my least favourite Top Gear presenter and too 'dumbed down' for my taste. I imagine kids like him.
Dad's Army: Repeat
Blackadder: Repeat
A Year with the Military Wives: They've improved a bit since I called them a bunch of squaddies' wives on a karaoke night out in Aldershot. But not so much that I could endure a whole hour of their squalling.
QI XL: Another of these extended repeats. I don't know why they don't show the whole thing the first time. Oh no wait a minute, it's just an excuse to fill up another programming hour with cheap material. So that's all right then.
Sarah Millican: Now I like Sarah Millican but I saw this the week previously.
Christmas No 1 Story: No interest whatsoever.
TOTP2: If there's anything worse than current pop music it's old pop music.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Quasimodo, ah yes that name rings a bell! An old joke for an even older film.

So much for that, let's try ITV1
You've Been Framed: In the old days I really liked Candid Camera with Bob Monkhouse and Jonathan Routh. But this is all fake so far as I can see. And I never watch anything the press describes as 'hilarious' because it never is. It's just a fact.
Paul O'Grady with something about dogs: It makes me sad to see those dogs couped up in Battersea Dogs Home. I can be sad on my own without television making it worse.
Emmerdale: Another ruined soap
Coronation Street: I used to enjoy a bit of Corrie but the storylines are so stupid now. And I don't like things where they have to make public information announcements afterwards. If I'm likely to be affected by something in a negative way I'll make up my own mind whether to watch it or not, thank you very much.
Downton Abbey: Made for the kind of people who enjoy Eastenders and fool them into thinking that they're really quite highbrow and are watching something with class and style. It's bollocks!
Couples Retreat: Some American film. Allegedly a comedy. The American idea of comedy is not mine.
Christmas Carols: Sung by the 'stars' of Coronation Street. FFS

Ok I'm getting bored with this now and so must you.
The C 4 contribution can be summed up quite simply; childish, rude, stupid and American. But worse was to come. Read on for New Year.

Yes I know New Year's eve programming is a bit strange at the best of times. TV companies all believe that all the worthwhile target audience are out partying and the only people watching television are the old farts like me.
I'm really not that hard to please, I'd like something to make me laugh, to take my mind off the crap that was last year and the crap to come. So what do we get?
Alan Carr's New Year Spectacular on C4: Well I'm not keen on his gay camping about but who are his guests?
1)Jack Whitehall: Why is he everywhere? He's not that funny and he looks odd.
2)Jonathan Ross: I don't like all that metrosexual innuendo while his hair flops about.
3)Jimmy Carr: I used to quite like him but for some reason he looks so smug now and that laugh of his grates on my last shredded nerve. I'd really like to smack him.
4)Gok Wan: Why was he on this? Isn't he just a gay fashionista?
5)Melanie Sykes: Who?
6)Christine Bleakley: Unemployed and pretty unemployable.
7)Rylan Clark: A gay XFactor winner which is enough reason for me not to watch all by itself.
Eight out of Ten Cats: Revised repeat. WTF is a REVISED repeat? Has it been revised in order to make it funnier than the first time. Or is it just the cheapo scheduling factor again?
I watched a bit of Jool's Annual Hootenanny but only to see the pipes and drums of the Scots Guards. Weird I know but I'm sentimental that way.
And that was New Year's Eve.

Which brings us to today when the comedic offerings include Miranda (whose constant mugging to camera I detest), QI again, Frankie Howard - The Lost Tapes; which should have stayed lost and another repeat of The Graham Norton Show from whenever it was before.
I'll probably just watch The Dam Busters for the millionth time just for the sound of the Merlin engines which was just about the only thing the film got right.
And maybe Charlie Brooker's 2012 Wipe which will be too loud for me and too much high octave screaching from Charlie but I need some kind of satirical review of the year.

I nearly forgot the reason I used the header picture. The worst programme of the holiday period was undoubtedly Jimmy Carr's Big Fat Quiz of the Year. Just the kind of thing I look for at this time. If only it had a different host, a better selection of guests and a different format altogether.

Though I have nothing at all against Gabby Logan (I would have but unfortunately she still has a restraining order against me). I like Richard Ayoade and wish he appeared more often.
But then there was Jonathan Ross (see previous comments) and Jack Whitehall (also see previous comments). James Corden whom I don't find funny in the least and nor do I see the point of. Russell Howerd who is too boyish and squinty for me though I daresay women of a certain age and mumsy natures find him amusing.

I watched it for about 5 minutes right up until James Corden fished a bottle of wine from under his desk with a couple of glasses and started eating pizza with Jack Whitehall.
Well I don't like watching people eat at the best of times but James Corden is a particularly obnoxious flabbery mouthed git so that was it. I hit the off button. From subsequent reports in the press I see that the programme deteriorated even further with Corden and Whitehall descending into drunken vulgarity and crude lavatory humour.

So that was it. Holiday television was an absolute disaaaaaaster dahling. Television has now been de-fenestrated where it joins my computer and Windows 7 (wishful thinking).
Thank you for reading this far - if you have. And I apologise for any errors in the syntax and grammar which will be due to the rather pleasant contents of a bottle of port in which the tide has now ebbed completely.
Happy New Year to all my readers and especially those subscribing to my RSS feed.