All my fondest illusions about Nigella Lawson have been shattered

And no, I certainly do not mean anything about her alleged cocaine use. Because, to me, no one looks less like a class A drug user than the lovely Nigella. Rather I mean the report in the Mail Online, concerning the trial of the Grillo sisters for their alleged misuse of company credit cards:

Asked why Francesca and Elisabetta, 41, were expected to buy so much for the household, Mr Gajjar (representing Francesca) said: 'Charles and Nigella didn't generally go shopping like most people do. They would have their personal assistants shop for them.'

Does that mean that all those cutesy VTs of Nigella buying from her favourite shopping outlets which intersperse shows like Nigellissima are staged for the camera? Good grief, Where will it all end? Is there nothing sacred anymore? I am utterly distraught.

Oh and yes I know I hate TV chefs as a rule but I make an exception for Nigella - who could not?

#GBBO.....Hollywood rejects Paul Hollywood. Wahay! Oh no wait a minute.........

That means that the smarmy twat will be back on our screens in another cookery programme to add to the zillions already crowding the airwaves. Actually it's not that I object to the man himself, it's really that I can't abide celebrity chefs (though I make an exception for Nigella of course) and cooking programmes. What I really abhor about the Great British Bake Off is the incessant trailers featuring the awful Mary Berry taking a mouthful of something right into the camera and onto the screen in my sitting room, Yes I know she's probably a quite harmless old dear but when she bites into something it reminds me of the living dead taking a tasty morsel of human flesh. Okay so it's not her fault that she has an overbite and badly fitting false teeth and the complexion of a creature from the black lagoon but does the BBC really have to inflict the old dear on us? I'm sure there is a twilight home somewhere that would appreciate a little help in the kitchens.

Talking of the BBC, it rather amuses me that they have obviously encouraged Hollywood to do some public bleating in the Daily Mail about how his marriage break up wasn't entirely his fault and that he would have been happier if he'd never become famous. Well it was his fault that he embarked on an affair while trying to crack America and abandoned his wife.

I sense the hand of some PR twit at the Beeb trying to bump the viewing figures for a failing show with a car crash of a host at the helm.

I admit that I don't like Jamie Oliver and I've found another reason now

I dislike most TV chefs anyway for their irritatingly precious attitude to food - wonderful carrots, amazing horseradishes and so on. Jamie Oliver is typical of the breed and more so in many ways because even his normal vocabulary is very limited.

So I cannot say I was totally surprised by this interview he gave to the Mail Online. It was in a question and answer format.
Asked which living person do you most despise? He replied;

I’m more of a lover than a hater, so I don’t despise many people. However, I’ve got no time for despots and dictators. I definitely despise Hitler and Stalin. Out of living people, Kim Jong-un needs to have a word with himself. I’d say to him, ‘Chill out, mate.’

It is unnecessary for me to say how much I despise people who tell others to 'chill out'

Asked what’s your favourite word? The idiot replied;

Today’s word is ‘aggregate’. I’m trying to sort out my entire online world and it involves sorting through thousands of recipes and tags. I’m busy aggregating. Last week the word was ‘narrate’. But my favourite word of all time is ‘flatulence’.

Well I've got news for him - if 'favourite' implies frequency of use then his 'favourite' must be *amazing* which also happens to be my least favourite (see sidebar).

But I had to snigger smuttily when he was asked what’s your earliest memory? And he answered;

I was three years old and I was standing by the water on the Norfolk Broads, playing bowls, wearing nothing but dark brown Y-fronts. It was a perfect summer day and I’d just caught a load of little fish with my rod. At that moment I was as happy as Larry.

His 'rod' must have inadvertently slipped out of his Y-fronts. And why was it necessary to inform us of the colour of his odious underwear anyway?

From merely disliking Jamie Oliver I have been converted to wanting to smack his fatuous head with a brick. Which is really a shame because I quite admired the work he tried to do with improving school meals despite the official opposition and obstacles put in his path.

I'm happy to admit that I don't like Jamie Oliver

Like all other celebrity chefs he's so precious about food and cooking - wonderful cabbage, super sprouts and so on - for god's sake they're just vegetables. But Jamie in particular has such poor diction, bad grammar and limited vocabulary that he gets on my wick before he even cooks anything. If you can bear it, try counting the number of times he says "amazing" in half an hour.
So you can imagine that my interest in his wife Jools' revelations in the press this week that she checks his texts, emails and phone for signs of infidelity, has caused me little more than a snigger. And that only because I really cannot imagine Jamie being the cause of much lust in the female population as a whole.
It wasn't until the Mail Online published the names of his children that I sat up and took any interest whatsoever.
They are: Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom, and Buddy Bear. Aside from being extremely sorry for any children inflicted by names like these, I'm quite willing to bet that Jamie and Jools frequently talk to each other in babyish language too.
It occurs to me that couples who resort to such a means of communication with each other are trying, by a personal code, to demonstrate that they still have something in common with each other in spite of evidence to the contrary.
So maybe Jools really does have something to worry about. I'll be keeping an eye open for news of the inevitable break up.