What crazy people voted Carol Vorderman #RearOfTheYear instead of #RachelRiley

Whereas Vorderman pictured on the left in 2011 when she won the award for the first time may well have deserved the title. As she looks now (right), her bottom seems to owe more to artifice than her natural flesh. In fact that picture makes it look as if she may well have had work done in that area. Certainly super-strength Spanx must be present. Let's face it Vorderman is at least 53 now - of course there's nothing wrong with trying to look good at that age, if you feel you must - but it is suspiciously wrong if the voting overlooks a genuine .contender like Rachel Riley (below)

It's not even as if the idiot voters could plead ignorance of the lovely Rachel because she is, of course, Vorderman's replacement on Countdown. In fact the sheer stupidity of this vote makes me think that it may not be a public vote at all and that there may well be some kind of commercial interest at work. Vorderman is of course an inveterate advertiser and social media whore so a sponsorship deal is not beyond the realms of possibility.

My final comment is that when Vorderman's tight jeans, corset and Spanx are removed, it would be not unexpected if all that flesh sagged to floor level.

Yes it's an excuse to show a #RachelRiley pic but also the Daily Mail's abominable writing style

The lovely Rachel Riley is worthy of a published pic whatever the reason and I think there should be a photographer present to record everything she does. But I absolutely detest the standard of English the Daily Mail uses to describe these outings and the clothes worn by celebrities on these outings or photo ops.
Take this description of Rachel's outing yesterday for instance:
Strictly sensational: Rachel Riley shows off her long tanned legs as she steps out in tiny denim cut-offs while out in London
Okay so far. But it goes on to say:

The TV sweetheart was glowing when she stepped out in a pair of pin-showcasing hot pants in London on Thursday afternoon.
Shielding her peepers from the sunlight in a pair of showbiz-ready sunglasses, the Countdown personality looked relaxed as she wheeled a free-standing suitcase through the streets of London.
To combat London's soaring temperatures, the blonde-haired beauty wore a pair of thigh-skimming Daisy Dukes which flashed her never-ending pins.

Pin-showcasing must be one of the ugliest neulogisms ever to be created. I consider it entirely unnecessary to describe legs as "pins" Surely it derives from the American sexual squeamishness of the 1940s and 1950s.
"Peepers" Are they writing for children? Surely this article was written for an English readership (Americans would have no concept of Rachel Riley whatever). Mincers might have been more appropriate.
And what on earth does "showbiz-ready" mean? I could forgive "showbizzy" at a pinch. But what kind of state does "showbiz-ready" imply? Rachel is already involved in "showbusiness" Has she been taking a break from it? We ought to be told!
And everybody knows that Daisy Dukes reveal legs rather than merely flash them - it's implied by the very name. So the last phrase is completely unnecessary as well as plain ugly.
I would re-write this pathetic piece of journalism thus:

"London's already soaring temperatures were sent a degree or two higher yesterday when Rachel Riley stepped out in a pair of denim hot pants. Shielding her baby blues from the attendant glare of publicity behind a pair of showbizzy shades, the TV sweetheart looked relaxed as she wheeled a large suitcase through the streets."

If Rachel would like me to write her publicity blurbs in future, I am currently open to any offer she might make.

Of course it's sad that Rachel Riley has split from her husband

Of course it is! And this isn't a smug grin on my face. Of course it isn't. Rumour, in the Daily Mail, says that her husband was jealous of the time she was spending with her Strictly Come Dancing partner - Pasha somebody or other. Apparently he, the deserted husband, was tired of being left at home to look after their three cats on his own. Seemingly he is allergic to cats. No suggestion has been made that Rachel and Pasha were in any kind of relationship though speculation is rife.

Relationship with Pasha or not, it is still good news for me. I was not looking forward to the inevitable pregnancy pictures as Rachel is one of those girls for whom buns in oven should be legally prohibited. Naturally I have tweeted her my phone number so she can get in touch as soon as she feels able. I really would not mind being a rebound shag for the most beautiful girl in the world.

#scd #itt Rachel Riley needs to "clench her bottom more" according to Strictly judge

I nearly fell off my seat laughing (Bruno actually did) when judge Craig made the comment after Rachel's quick step. One thing I do not need an image in my mind of is one of Rachel standing in front of me clenching and unclenching her bottom cheeks - I have enough trouble with images of lovely Rachel in my mind as it is. Any more and she'll be taking out a restraining order against me.
Her dance this week was cute and fast paced. So fast that I found myself watching her feet which is ever so unusual for me where Rachel is concerned. The judges were not so impressed however since they awarded a niggardly 26. I'm very afraid that unless she gets her butt cheeks right she will find herself in the dance-off sooner rather than later which would make me even more miserable and peevish than I already am.

---

Edit: As it turned out Rachel was in the dance-off on Sunday night. I did not think her performance improved that much but in the end she survived I'm glad to say. She was very nearly in tears while awaiting the outcome - something I found quite disturbing.

---

This weeks betting market:

Natalie Gumede Despite her back injury Natalie managed an entrancing quickstep however she has slipped a little out to 15/8 no doubt because of a market reaction to her back problem.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor I noticed at one point on Saturday night before the market had properly reformed that Sophie was flip-flopping favouritism with Natalie and even now she remains close at 15/8 generally while William Hill offer 2/1. Her elegant foxtrot deserved no less. And my last minute dark horse bet is looking good, especially if Natalie's injury returns. Just a shame I did not bet myself.

Ashley Taylor-Dawson A careful, boring waltz. 9/2 best price.

Susanna Reid A rather messy samba. Still at 8/1

Abbey Clancey Slipping a bit to 12/1 probably as a result of the leaders shortening rather than a poor performance although I found her tango extremely boring and absolutely detested her Liverpudlian slutty eye make-up.

Ben Cohen A rather giddy salsa with some fabulous lifts earned him 31 pts . And a shortening to 40/1

Rachel Riley Oh Rachel, oh Rachel. out to 50/1. Who'd have thunk it.

Out with the rags

Patrick Robinson A confident cha cha cha earned him 33 pts and he deserves a much shorter price than the 80/1

Mark Benton Of course Mark is never going to reach the final but I love watching his characterisations. I watched his cha cha with a big silly grin on my face from beginning to end. 100/1 in a few places


Dave Myers A waltz gave him no opportunity to show his wit. 23pts. 150/1 out from 125/1

Fiona Fullerton Not a very fluen rumba. 22pts and 200/1

Deborah Meadon Patchy jive. 23pts and 250/1

Julien Macdonald OUT at last.

Natalie Gumede's Rumba does it for me in week 3 of Strictly. But it's hardly surprising really #scd #itt

I've been waiting for a performance that would make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up (always a sign that I'm watching something really special) and Natalie's beautiful Rumba did it for me on Saturday night. It was so good that I doubt a casual viewer would have been able to tell which one of them was the professional and which the celebrity.
The storytelling was so good and her body movements so expressive that one might have been watching a ballet.
Only one thing marred it for me, and I know I'm being picky, but Natalie seemed to pause for a split second mid routine to brush her rather vagrant hair out of those strikingly alluring eyes.

---

(Edit): It now emerges that Natalie had considerable professional coaching in dancing from the age of 4. But as viewers are supposed to be voting for celebrities they enjoy watching the most, I don't see why it should make any difference to the voting. The people who will object, maybe with some legitimacy, are the other celebrities who may feel at a competitive disadvantage. See this item in the Mail Online

---

I'm glad to say that the Beeb's web site worked for me and I was able to cast my votes. Why on earth have we got 5 votes each? Doesn't the BBC realise that some people will use them all on the one single contestant and thus skew the results? I do not consider one person casting five votes in a single direction as being as valid as five people casting a single vote each for one contestant.
Oh and another gripe; why are we going on with this silly idea of a plethora of theme nights - it's just too pointless and X-Factorish. A Halloween night and a Blackpool event is quite enough. Why not concentrate on the basic dancing skills
Here's the latest betting and my comments:

Natalie Gumede Highest score of the night - 36. Unsurprisingly tightened in to 6/4 from 9/4 although 13/8 is available in a place or two.

Sophie Ellis-Bextor After last week's superb Jive, I though her Samba was too controlled. Now 9/4 from 11/4.

Ashley Taylor-Dawson I just don't see what others see in this guy's performance. 5/1 in a place.

Susanna Reid As tedious as ever but at least she kept her legs covered - mainly. Still loitering around 8/1.

Abbey Clancey Eased out to 10/1. Unsurprisingly really. I didn't get her Jive at all. Far too much 'skirtology' which I don't recall being a feature of a traditional Jive. I suppose she just didn't know what else to do with her hands.

Rachel Riley A bit better than last week - her hips made a slight debut. I'm still a little frustrated because I keep thinking what she could be like - it's not her fault it's mine. slipped a point to 33/1

Out with the rags

Ben Cohen Although I am not interested in Ben Cohen's dance performances, I'm quite transfixed by his obvious reaction to Kristina. This week his hands were all over her and I'm beginning to smell some naughtiness. Remains at 50/1.

Mark Benton A delightful American Smooth, full of characterisation. No change 80/1.

Patrick Robinson Stylish Foxtrot. Slipped out to 80/1. It's strange because he is a million times better than Ben Cohen.

Dave Myers 125/1 seems such a mean price considering the sheerentertainment value of this guy. Will I be watching Hairy Bikers? No.

Fiona Fullerton An elegant waltz 125/1

Deborah Meadon Tries so hard. 150/1

Julien Macdonald I enjoyed watching Janette's legs in the jive. 500/1

Vanessa Feltz Gone.

Conclusion There have been no significant market movers this week other than Natalie tightening up and I would suggest that no value remains antwhere else. Natalie's performance was so near perfect that I would say she is pretty much uncatchable now barring acidents.

#SCD I wasn't particularly enthusiastic when I read that Vanessa Feltz would be competing in this year's Strictly Come dancing.

It's not that I have anything much against La Feltz (thank goodness) except that I really don't see the point of her. She isn't particularly good at anything except getting her name in the papers bleating about her weight/marital issues. And I could not give a damn about either of those. No. The thing that annoys me about commpetitors like Feltz is that they keep getting public votes to remain in (or not enough to remove them.) Always at the expense of dancers I would like to see more of.
But, while still in despair, I saw that she would be joined by Rachel Riley - O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! I have had a thing about Rachel for a while and I think she is by far and away the best thing to happen to television for years. The words beautiful, intelligent and funny do not even begin to describe her. Lovely long legs and a delightful embonpoint. I don't think she has the face or attitude for Latin dances but I'm looking forward to seeing her in a flapper costume. She has the right sort of quirky humour to pull that style off well and I'm sure that elegant waltzes will also suit.

I'm not too pleased to see Susanna Reid in the line up. Not that I have anything against her skill as a newsreader but I am sick of seeing her vacantly staring back at me with those piss-hole eyes from the other side of the BBC Breakfast sofa when her partner is talking. There's something sinister about the woman, mark my words.

So far the cast of Strictly stereotypes looks like this:
Rachel Riley 27: So far the favourite to win and I'll be having a bet provided that her price does not get much lower before the others are officially announced.
Susanna Reid 42: allegedly 2nd favourite
Tony Jacklin: The obligatory elderly (but popular sports personality) No chance!
Deborah Meaden 54: Interesting. Obviously not in it for the money. Woe betide the sharp tongued judges.
Ben Cohen: A rugby player or so I'm informed. Never heard of him and I don't think he will be anywhere near graceful enough on the dancefloor.
Natalie Gumede: Bad girl from Corrie - Could be the dark horse.
Fiona Fullerton: The obligatory aging model/actress wanting a bit of glitter to lighten up her twilight years. Absolutely stunning in her day.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: The obligatory pop princess although I don't think she is either a princess nor suffiently pop to gain many votes.
Abbey Clancy: A model apparently. Long legs and might just form a part of my betting trio.
Julien Macdonald: I heard more than enough from him in the last series commenting during It Takes Two on the costumes. He is one of those stupid people who simply cannot stop saying stuff is *AMAZING* I'll have to keep using the mute button.
and
Vanessa Feltz of course who must be this year's comic turn and the partner for Anton.

The other thing that vaguely amused me this weekend was the launch of ITV's rival to Strictly called Stepping Out. I only had to see that it was hosted by that graceless hyena Davina McCall for me to decide never to watch it under any circumstances.

In the end people always disappoint me - Rachel Riley has got married

Rachel Riley the stunningly lovely hostess of TV's Countdown who has beguiled me on many a dank winter's afternoon has tied the knot with some undistinguished clot head called Jamie Gilbert.
I am not looking forward to the inevitable pregnancy pictures. It should be illegal to get girls as pretty as Rachel in pod and punishable by chemical castration.

But what really disappoints me is that they sold the wedding to Hello magazine. Rachel I thought better of you.

My Rachel Riley page